Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Bi~Side...

One of the things I’ve noticed about myself since having experimented more with ass play recently is how it has gradually made me more curious about being fucked by a guy.

I’ve always been very mildly bi-curious. When I was about 23 a guy went down on me after a party but it did nothing for me ~ but he wasn’t experienced with men or women so maybe that had something to do with it.

So since then nothing has happened.

I think that my relationship with GG has also made me more inquisitive about it. We both get turned on by the idea of her being with another woman, or me with another guy ~ and because we fantasize about it, and because we talk so openly and unashamedly about it (because there IS nothing to be ashamed about - and we accept and don’t feel threatened by this side of each other) ~ it kind of makes it more of an exciting possibility.

I think I’ve learned more about myself reflecting on what turns me on about being with a guy. This might sound odd but in some ways it is about connecting with my feminine side a bit more. It sounds like a real “new man” cliché brag nowadays but I’ve always been in touch with my feminine side and have always found femininity a strong influence in my life ~ not just in terms of sex but ~ shit I can’t put it into words as eloquently as I’d like to…just that alluring potency ~ its visual and emotional and chemical and I think that being in touch with that aspect of my sexuality has made me a better person and perhaps more of a considerate lover.

Whilst this might sound like I am bordering on becoming a transsexual or something (and I can assure you I am not!), it is like I’m jealous in a way of not being able to “be” a woman at times. That my own masculinity and sense of self has been constructed during my life and also in myself in a way that cannot transcend parts of my own gendered identity. Perhaps this dichotomy is the root of desire? Perhaps not!

I have adored many aspects of the women I have known as friends or as lovers, or even as strangers, and whom I have admired ~ and again, not just in sexual terms but (I guess) in gendered terms too. I guess this is part of my own male gaze, but obviously not just in visual terms.

I can only describe it as if it is like my hands have eyes, my eyes have hands, and like I just want to gently slip into femininity for a while to see what I learn from exploring it in a different way.

I think this is reflected when I fantasize about being with a guy. As a man (obviously) my sexual experiences have been penetrative. I’m not, of course, undermining the emotional and sensual side here either ~ I’m just talking about the base act of fucking.

So I think it is the idea of actually being fucked, of making my body available to another man to be penetrated that I am finding increasingly erotic.

Yet I find myself also fantasizing about being fucked by a woman too ~ with a strap on. I find well taken images of women wearing strap-ons deeply erotic ~ not like that pornographic~need~to~wank~erotica, but that core warm soothing eroticism that is more patient, more voyeuristic and with the most innocent appreciative non-agenda (thanks, by the way, Dacia!).


Blogger Madeline Glass wrote...

those strap-on pics of dacia are hot.

fuck, all of her pics are hot.

dacia is, to borrow a phrase, 'full of awesomeness.'


8:15 pm  
Blogger Holiday wrote...

I also share your view of how erotic it is (from experience) to be taken sexually by a man. This is heightened by knowing a woman is watching at the same time - for instance, my wife.

6:04 am  
Blogger Wendy the Cavewyfe wrote...

Sniff sniff: where are you red head bed head?

1:57 am  

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