Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Adventures on Planet Aneros: Episode II

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly nervous about putting what I will now call (given my G5 iMac anal~ogy below) the “a~Pod” inside me.

I read the instructions on the back, went into my bedroom where I keep my “WhoreDraw” next to the bed filled with condoms, cuffs, nipple clamps, Spanish fly (not really), minty play gel, and lubricant.

I reached for the latter and retired back to the study, undressed (socks and all!), and lay down on the rug on my side (as instructed).

I smeared the lube onto the a~Pod and re-read the instructions once more.

“Slowly insert the Aneros, positioning the perineum abutment to press against the area between the anus and the scrotum”. Such erotic terminology...

“Relax – mentally and physically for about 15 minutes. Allow your body to become accustomed to the massager. Breathe deeply, releasing tension and focusing on the new sensations.”

So I lay there on the floor in the recommended posture (lying on side, lower leg straight, top leg to stomach), praying to God that the doorbell didn’t go…

And I “relaxed” and waited. After about five minutes of lying there like a police crime scene photograph of a Redneck stag night gone wrong, I lost patience and reached once more for the instructions…

“Contract and relax the sphincter muscle as slowly as possible”. Now the sphincter is one of these things that we’ve all heard of but given its location it’s not really something that people can point out to you when you first come to know about it ~

“It’s juuuuusssst...[schhlopp]…about there…”.

"Thank you professor...".

Although I knew where it was and how to contract it I couldn’t help but feel a bit naïve as the session progressed and nothing happened. I began to feel (no offence intended) somewhat Catholic.

So I increased the contractions waiting for this life transforming “Super~O” to arrive.

A few nice feelings were felt (actually the most pleasurable one was when I pulled it out at one point), but nothing that took me like a trichomaniac to the floor of a barbershop.

So after about forty-five minutes I gave up, got to my feet feeling quite dizzy (so something was going on) and then (shamefully) reconciled my heterosexuality by wanking myself to orgasm!

Anyway, time to get back on the horse…

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